For Sale: Happy Baby Kit

Owing to a cessation in manufacturing, the following item relating to the conveyancing of babies is surplus to requirements and for sale.

Two-Mode Variable-Speed Buggy & Carry-Cot with Planet-Hug feature

This fine machine is fully programmable into two modes:

Mode1   -------> Abracadabra! ---->   Mode 2

                ** NO SPECIALIST PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE IS REQUIRED **

Features:

Multi-Mode: Buggy can be transformed into either mode at will.

Detachable carry cot: Frame can be put into car boot, cot (usually) in the car. (Car not supplied)

Fully Fitted: Complete with all bedding, Cozy-Toes, sun-canopy and  rain gear. (Client to supply baby).

Variable Speed: By increasing or decreasing the walking rate of the driver, the buggy automatically adjusts it's speed to match.

Comprehensive braking system: In conjunction with the variable speed feature, once stationary then locks are fitted to maintain stationary disposition whilst buggy is unattended.

Water Resistant: Approximately IP21, nearer to IP55 when rain gear attached. (Does not apply to water or leakages from contents).

Inherent Audible alarm: If left loaded for extended periods, the contents often emit a loud noise to alert the driver that the buggy is still loaded. (This is a feature of the contents rather than the buggy).

Under-slung basket: For dirty nappy bags, groceries etc. (But not at the same time, maybe....)

Handlebar basket: Probably better the groceries go here.

Keeps baby happy: By keeping baby warm and moving smoothly, baby is happier than, say, being dragged along the pavement. Avoids parental back-ache by reducing the amount of carrying required.

Collapsible: Fully collapsible frame for fitting in car/plane/whatever. 
(Warning: This product should not be collapsed whilst occupied)

Nuts: This product contains nuts** and should not be eaten by persons allergic to same. **(And bolts, screws, rivets, etc.)

Fashionable This item is extremely fashionable and we would not be surprised to see one on everybody's Christmas List for this year. Be first in your street to own one!

 

Commercial Conditions:

Payment: £35 on acceptance.

Finance: You've got to be joking!

Exclusions & Restrictions: This offer explicitly excludes a baby or babies, which are presumed to be supplied as part of a joint venture between client and other(s). If required this can be reviewed via an extension. Additional contract terms would apply and such supply requires advance notice, carrying a minimum 9 month extended manufacturing period.

This conveyance is not designed to increase it's size as the baby grows and will need replacing when it becomes too small. We cannot be responsible at the rate the baby grows and so the length of useful conveyance time. It is recommended that only one baby at a time is inserted into this kit.

This carriage should not be towed behind a car, camel or other dung-producing life form, whether furry or not, or be attached to the outside of any intergalactic space craft. Optimum use is on a class 'M' planet or equivalent. Should not be placed nearer than 93,000,000 miles to any hot star or Sun.

Terms of Sale: Skuldonian Model XIV modified 1896

Warranty: Till receipt of payment or 3 minutes after acceptance, whichever is the sooner.

Maintenance: Unavailable at reasonable cost excepting for long delivery item(s), where no maintenance can be offered at all.

Validity: Till I've sold it

Alcohol: I need some….. 

 

Accessories

  • Baby The optimal use of these accessories requires the access to a baby, time (lots of it), food and nurturing. In the event that these are not available we may be able to provide for the construction of one, but not subsequent programming or material needs.

  • Ground This carriage is designed to run along the ground, using it's unique rotating sliced-spherical motion system. In the event that no ground is available the motion system is ineffective and the carriage difficult to control. We recommend that some ground is placed near to the machine. (A planet usefully provides a suitable surface with the added benefit of no corners, as they tend to be spheroidal) It is not necessary to place the conveyance on the ground as a special feature will draw the two together and keep them that way. Care must be taken to ensure the carriage is kept upright relative to the local ground. We can supply ground if you have difficulty locating a planet.

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