Following a series of well documented earth tremors in Manchester early last week, last night a major development has caused the city to move from it’s traditional place in England’s heartland.

Observers standing outside the affected area looked on in amazement as the urban centre, complete with it’s two major football clubs, started to move eastwards en-masse.

The movement started at 10:00 p.m. last night, following the celebration of United’s victory against their arch-rivals, Liverpool. At first, no-one believed what was happening, thinking it was the effect of the copious alcohol that had been consumed pretty much by everyone. However, as power started to fail, the electrical cables snapping like silk strands, and the gas fires went out, leaving the wettest city cold as well as damp, it became obvious that something unusual was happening.

In true Mancunian style, most of the population stoically ignored the earth’s activities, returning back to their pubs where they set light to the furniture to create heat and light, and continued with their celebrations.

A few bought forward their traditional Friday night activities and went round the local streets removing the hubcaps from parked cars. A cottage, or more properly, terrace, industry, it will be interesting to see how they can sell their gains as Manchester is no longer attached to the road system.

Seismologists confirmed yesterday the "swarms", the name given to extended earth movements, were expected to continue at least until Christmas, when Manchester is expected to be within walking distance of Amsterdam.

Last night the city had passed Skegness and is expected to cross the Wash in the next two weeks, slowing down as it enters the chilly grey water of the North Sea.

A spokesman for the Dutch government confirmed that they were ready for this and commented that they looked forward to having two new football teams and the return of Rutgerus Van Nistelrooy.

A spokesman for Manchester City Council revealed that they would seek to maintain control of what is now a large hole visible from Salford and from the Pennines near Barnsley, and turn it into England’s largest inland recreational lake, complete with restaurants and shopping malls.

They will have a battle though as Eau de Frog, the French national water company who, since privatisation, own 95% of the UK’s water were also claiming the hole for a new reservoir. "Mon ami", said a spokesperson for the company, "zis ‘ole eez ours" before returning to eat his croissant at the Salford Pret-a-Manger.

The insurance bill is expected to run into £2 million, much of this being the extension of the Manchester Ship Canal across the North Sea, linking for the first time the inland waterways of the UK and Holland.

The last city to experience a major movement like this was the fabled city of Atlantis. We were unable to contact anyone from there but did see some fish.

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